Fruit Out of Context

There are cranberries in my chicken salad sandwich. They do not belong there. Cranberries have two only two places: jellied and in the shape of a can on a Thanksgiving table, or in juice form in a glass with vodka. Anything outside of these parameters, and I assume they got lost. To which I say to them: get a map. You do not belong in my chicken salad sandwich.

I don’t like surprise foods. My grandmother was a good one for this. She would put walnuts in her cookies. I have never been okay with this. It got to the point where I broke a cookie apart to pick all of the walnuts out. I mean, I was five, so I gave up thirty seconds in and just ate the whole thing because fuck, it was a cookie, but I made the attempt because I was that against walnuts in my delicious sugary treat. Because cookies are fine the way they are. There is no need to add to them.

One may argue that chocolate chips are an addition to the basic cookie. My argument is that chocolate in a dessert is not a surprise. You’ve added something sweet to something sweet. This makes sense. You will not hear a person go, “Oh, is there chocolate in these?” in a disappointed tone. But all too often, you will hear someone ask with sadness, “Oh, are there nuts in these?” because no good can come of it. At best, people are unhappy. At worst, they’re going into anaphylactic shock.

So that’s my general life advice: don’t put foods where they do not belong. Raisins go in cakes about as much as bologna goes in a DVD player. And if you put water chestnuts anywhere near me, make peace with your god. I fucking hate water chestnuts.


The title of this blog entry comes from the lovely and funny Miranda Hart: “A garibaldi has a raisin in, raisin is a fruit, that’s fruit out of context. I’m sorry but that’s like carrot cake; carrots are a vegetable, if I want vegetables I’ll have a carrot if I want cake I’ll have a cake! What next, CHICKEN SPONGE?! Get rid of the garibaldi!”

About Anna

Lots of things make me happy. Running my mouth is one of them. Another is pie.
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