There are cranberries in my chicken salad sandwich. They do not belong there. Cranberries have two only two places: jellied and in the shape of a can on a Thanksgiving table, or in juice form in a glass with vodka. Anything outside of these parameters, and I assume they got lost. To which I say to them: get a map. You do not belong in my chicken salad sandwich.
One may argue that chocolate chips are an addition to the basic cookie. My argument is that chocolate in a dessert is not a surprise. You’ve added something sweet to something sweet. This makes sense. You will not hear a person go, “Oh, is there chocolate in these?” in a disappointed tone. But all too often, you will hear someone ask with sadness, “Oh, are there nuts in these?” because no good can come of it. At best, people are unhappy. At worst, they’re going into anaphylactic shock.
So that’s my general life advice: don’t put foods where they do not belong. Raisins go in cakes about as much as bologna goes in a DVD player. And if you put water chestnuts anywhere near me, make peace with your god. I fucking hate water chestnuts.
The title of this blog entry comes from the lovely and funny Miranda Hart: “A garibaldi has a raisin in, raisin is a fruit, that’s fruit out of context. I’m sorry but that’s like carrot cake; carrots are a vegetable, if I want vegetables I’ll have a carrot if I want cake I’ll have a cake! What next, CHICKEN SPONGE?! Get rid of the garibaldi!”