So in my last entry (in… eep, May), I discussed a little bit about my struggle with depression.
The struggle got harder. And then it overtook my life.
My medication stopped working. I turned in on myself more, and outwardly pushed more people away. I became more and more like what I was. Not as bad, luckily, since I knew what I was dealing with, and I recognized the signs of more destructive behavior and could avoid that. But the ever-present exhaustion and the lack of interest in life in general was pretty hard to shake.
I took the easy way out: I embraced it. I allowed myself to just… exist. Float through life without any real emotion attached to anything. It’s not a great way to live, let me tell you. Instead of going out and exploring and creating, I sat. Occasionally I would sit in a movie theater, as that didn’t require me to do anything except sit. Other than that, I converted oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I started hating myself. The hate grew to loathing. I started wearing more black, almost as if I was in mourning for the person I used to be. Because I did miss her. She was fun. She did things. She wrote things and got them published and signed up for a summer class at CCP. She was a lovely person.
I realized that I could be that person again. The only person who was standing in the way of that happening was me. I’m my problem. And that is a very hard thing to overcome. Getting out of your own way is difficult. And there’s no real way to do it besides just doing it. I call it the ‘suck it up and deal’ mentality. Which I did actually bring up in therapy. She took it negatively, but I don’t see it like that. It’s motivational. Like a trainer motivating a boxer in the corner of the ring: “He’s on the ropes. Just get through this round.”
“Call a psychiatrist, Anna. I know you hate doing anything that involves human interaction or extraneous movement (which is, according to you, anything that doesn’t involve clicking refresh on Twitter), but if you suck it up and deal with your life, you will be on your way to being Better You. The You you want to be.
And then you can go back to doing nothing. And won’t that be nice?”
See? Motivating. Suck it up and deal. Works in almost any situation. Honest. It’s what’s been getting me back on track with not being a sad little thing in her bed all the time.
I can’t say I’m better. But I’m getting there. Like I said, I’m seeing a therapist. I’ve got an appointment with a new psychiatrist who will (hopelly) help me sort out my problems with my medication. It’s a long road. But I’m starting to walk it again, with every intention of going forward.
I’ll let you know how it goes.