I’ve been doing some thinking, which isn’t necessarily how I want to spend my time, but brains are hard to turn off and thoughts never really form so much as appear, so there’s no preventative measures. So I think.
I haven’t been feeling great lately. Not in a physical way (though it’s spring in Philly, and therefore my sinuses are freaking out, so that’s it’s own brand of awful) but more in terms of my mental state.
The best I can describe it is “meh.” Which is a weird feeling, I’m not gonna lie. And on the surface, it sounds like a good idea, because you stop caring. Not in a cold or cruel way. You just lack the energy.
It’s like a phone battery. You only have so much of a charge. And it doesn’t matter if you put it down and walk away. Things are always going on in the background, using up that limited resource. Eventually, you run out, and your phone needs recharging.
It’s the same with me. I only have so much energy to put into my life, to put into caring, to put into pretending.
“Oh, Anna, you don’t have to pretend.” No, but I do. I get tired of being asked if I’m okay. People mean well when they ask it. I know they do. But my stock answer of “yeah, I’m just tired” doesn’t really fully explain how I feel. Because it’s a different sort of tired. I once tried to describe it as an emptiness, but that’s not entirely fitting. There’s a weight to it that drags down everything. Everyday life takes on a heaviness. Tasks are more difficult. There’s no will to accomplish anything.
And yes, I realize that all sounds terribly dramatic, but that how it feels. Simple things become Herculean tasks. A litterbox can very much become the Augean stables when you can’t even bring yourself to get out of bed.
So, if you’re asking, I’m not okay. I feel kind of shitty, if I’m honest. I’ll probably feel like that into the foreseeable future. It never really goes away, but time does goes on, and eventually, enough time will pass that I will forget that constant dull ache of melancholy isn’t supposed to be there. And I’ll get back to whatever my version of “okay” is.
So yeah. I’m here. I’m not great. But I’m here. And for now, that’s enough.